Ego

Why is it so hard to be optimistic sometimes? It is as if you are only putting up a happy face to mask a feeling ought to be broadcasted and not to be hidden. A feeling that will just consume you little by little if not let out in the open until there is pretty much nothing left of the whole of you but pulverized dusts scattered on the ground that even you, yourself could not pick up anymore.

Why do you have to put up a front then of what you are truly feeling? Maybe because you do not want the world to know that you are going through what you are going through right now. You do not want them to know that your life standing and achievement is not really that extraordinary but rather normal, or worse, not at par to them. You do not want them to know that you are just messing up their minds with your so called success stories and breakthroughs about your life plan and all, but in reality you are still lost as hell, and more lost as before, couple of years ago when you decided to leave that world which you fondly call the world of salary sureness, political hierarchy and utter boredom which is the corporate world. You are scared to know that there is a possibility that you might be lagging behind the people you are with at the start of the race, barely getting by, barely achieving anything in comparison to them. You are in denial of reality because you are looking forward, deeply into the future, of what might and could become of what seems like a dead end path right now of a living that you have, of a span in time that is not yet within reach, or worse, will never be within reach. You are still wishfully thinking that what you are doing right now will be significant later on in life. You do not want the world to know what you are feeling right now maybe because you are still hopefully and patiently waiting for that moment of success that you have been longing for, and when that time comes, this feeling that you are feeling now would then be irrelevant, would then be an unattractive part of your should-have-been-flawless life story if shared to the world. You do not want to be perceived as weak. You are wanting to stand above the crowd that is why you are trying to put yourself up in the pedestal, and if you have the chance, bring people down in your mind, and endlessly scan their online profiles, one by one, and see who is better off between the two of you. You do this. All of us do this and had done this. We compare ourselves to our peers; half of the time we do not like what we see but that is the price that we have to pay for us to get to those other half that seems favourable for us.

I thought I do not have it anymore within my system but then here they are; ego, envy and pessimism crept up once again to say hi.

 

April 14, 2012. Written by Lav Acacio.