Quarter-Life Crisis

While I was getting ready for work earlier, it suddenly hit me that it has already been over a year, 1 year and 3 days to be exact, since I graduated from college. And thinking about it made me realize more how rapidly time is moving in relation to my life's progress. The analogy goes something like: Time is to the speed of light and Lav is to the speed of sound. I believe that's how uber slow I was moving comparative to time. I have not done anything worthwhile yet since I graduated which is quite frustrating, really. And I have not really done anything to alleviate the frustration which, in turn, makes it even more frustrating. 

I love Math. I love Logical Reasoning. I love solving mathematical problems to the point that I could literally sit for hours to just solve and solve. I would be more than willing to jump to another problem after solving one. It is like an obsession. I was addicted. There were times in my early college days when I would re-solve all the math problems solved earlier that day in class upon reaching home and would read all the chapters covered (you could also see me obligingly reading the next topics to be discussed to get ahead of the lesson, if I like the subject) and would answer all the problems found at the end of the chapters to be able to grasp the taught topics even more. Some problems would only take me 5 minutes to solve. Some would even be solvable in just a glance but, more often than not, Math problems would take a great amount of my time and sanity to be solved. Nonetheless, being able to decipher each one of those gave me a sense of fulfillment. I never lost patience. I never got discouraged when confronted with a complicated problem. The more challenging the problem is, the better. At the back of my mind, the harder it is to get to the end, the more rewarding it would be once I attained it. 

But those were the days. 

Changes took effect when I was already having my major subjects back in college. Most of the time, the old adage that if you just spend more time reading and solving the problems then you would eventually get the topic did not seem to apply anymore. There were times that even if I re-read the assigned chapters a billion of times, I still could not get the basics! And it is rather frustrating, really. Feeling ko tuloy alien ang nagsulat ng mga yun. I am always left thinking that they do not want to disseminate what they know that is why they had intentionally written their ideas in an unfathomable way. And what's the use of writing a book if they do not want their ideas to get across to thousands of regular university students, like me, whose intelligence are not in the same league as theirs ? Well, it's just a theory that I made to mask up my own laziness and lack of patience and focus. But it is true that I read the assigned chapters a number of times first, secretly hoping that I might get the topic eventually, before actually concluding that I really could not get it. 

I forgot how hard work and patience operate. I want to catch the essence of the subject matter but I do not want to sacrifice my time in order to get it. 

Because of this, I resorted then to the belief that there are things that I would never ever comprehend no matter how hard I try. I know I have my own weakness and I had made myself believe that not being able to comprehend some things is one of my weaknesses. How mystifying it is that we can fool our own selves right? It would be natural for me then to get disheartened and not anymore try whenever I encounter a problem that I could not solve for the first time. There had also been an instance when I had lost faith in my own ability. I often do things then halfheartedly. I just started losing my seemingly indestructible patience that time because of my doubts. And I had been that cynical until I graduated. 

I find myself growing more impatient with myself as I grew older. I do not want anymore to do things slowly and surely but I'd rather want to get things done as fast as possible without compromising the quality of my work, if that is feasible. I want to be fast and, at the same time, efficient. But other than this, I want to get the end results immediately without putting much effort and time into it which is quite impossible to do if you think about it. But that is how impatient I had become. I want myself to be that person despite the fact that I would never ever be like that. Hindi lang kasi ako ganun. 

I am one of those people who can not produce something with quality without moving slowly. I work best with details. And I really really hate cramming! I do not want to feel pressured for time. I do not experience that "creativity rush" that some people experience when they cram. I always end up doing things sloppily, and most of the time regretting it, if I do resort to cramming. I am a perfectionist and the longer I stick to the task at hand, the closer I believe the outcome would be to perfection. 

It is not really true that I have not done anything to lighten my frustration. Truthfully, I do have a plan and I am now on the process of making my dreams happen. I am just impatient. I want to witness something colossal NOW. Something that would make me really feel that I am getting there. Something that would make me realize "Ay, I am on the right track!" although I know that it will take a huge amount of time and patience from me to get to where I want to be.

 

October 7, 2009. Written by Lav Acacio.