Realization Blues

When I found out I am pregnant, I was so happy. At the same time, I became more wary as the day goes by. It is not because I am scared of childbirth but because the reality of bearing a child within me and making it grow healthy inside me make me give up activities and bits that I associate myself with.

I have to give up for the time-being foods that I enjoy eating. No more sushi nights, medium-rare steaks in the table or runny sunny-side up eggs for breakfast according to the doctor. No more sweets and salty foods according to my mother, grandmother and mother-in-law which means cutting back on cake or ice cream or chips for me until my baby comes out. Eating healthier foods such as fruits and vegetables. Not eating meat too often. Drinking lots of water. Skipping the deli and going with cooked dishes always. Refraining from eating anything that has custard or cream in or on them. And more, to the point that I have gotten too paranoid that whenever I eat out or try something that I have not tried yet ever since I knew I was pregnant, I go first to the internet, confirm if what I am eating is good for pregnant women or not and decide from there on. There had been a few times too when I caught myself stopping mid-chew and searching in the internet if what I am eating is good for the baby or not! I know it is crazy but can you blame me?

Knowing that it is not anymore just myself that I need to worry about makes me more wary and careful than ever. I have to drop habits that I have acquired but are not serving the baby any good. I have to stop running, jumping, getting stressed-out and overexerting. I should just walk slowly, take my time and sleep in early. In a sense, I have to become lesser of myself to be more of what the baby currently needs me to support his/her developing body.

The first instance I had that realization, I got frustrated because I felt helpless. I am the kind of person who does things for herself. As long as I can do it, I will do it. So when news of my pregnancy came in and limitations of what I can do came flooding in, I froze. Whenever I am faced with a task that I know I could not do because there's something that I am advised not to do that needs to be done, I just find myself standing in that same spot where I was hit by the thought, doing nothing and looking blank. There were also a few times when I want to do something but my body just wanted to quiet down, slump and catch on some sleep. It was so frustrating during the first few weeks until I got to the point when I realized that what I am going through now is a form of self-sacrifice. This is what parenthood is built upon. Sacrificing yourself for the benefit of your child and surrendering to things that you have no control of.

This is going to be my life from this day forward.

The good thing about surrendering is that more often than not, those people in your life would go to great lengths to help you out. It could be your partner, a friend, a family member or a lovely combination of the three. Whichever it may be, you can be assured that you would be able to count on them during those times when your body will fail you. And never ever take this a sign of weakness but a proof of the love and support that had always been there surrounding you.

Now, I could not entirely tell you that frustrations and helplessness aren't creeping in anymore. That's crap. Sometimes they still do but whenever I feel them again I just go back to my realization and realign my thoughts to this new perception. I know that this journey is not going to be a walk in the park but I know that it will be a beautiful and worthwhile one.