4 Months Now

When would you know if you are being incompetent or just feeling incompetent? How can you feel that you are incompetent? Is it an outside force or entity that makes you feel or think that you are or is it a force within yourself that ignites the feeling?

I am already 4 months now in the company that I have been working for and I still find myself lost, most of the time, on what to do. Many say that it is understandable given that I am still learning and cramming a lot of new things in my mind but I do not think that it is reason enough for anyone to not do good/great in a task that was given to him/her. I am a perfectionist and I have always been like that. Yes, I am patient but I also do get frustrated whenever I could not seem to grasp something after I have already poured my brains, time and sweat out on it or just whenever I could not do something right the first time around. Add to this the fact that I am very detail-oriented and I could not seem to move to the next step without planning and laying all the needed info or details prior the attack. Every single day is a challenge for me. I have come to accept that I am my own worst critic.

Everything was going well these past few days until earlier today when I reached my first "breaking point". I was given the responsibility to do a simple task. I have managed to do it but with many errors and revisions. I know I should not feel bad about it but I could not help myself this time. It's as if I am being vacuumed to a position where I must feel that way. It is inevitable. I just came to a point earlier when I felt scattered and out of focus due to information overload, piling workloads, pressure and stress. I was in between the decision of staying in to do overtime work just to finish off the load today or to just continue this tomorrow. I felt then that I need a break, a breather, so I called it a day.

It is already 4 months now and I am still here in this place of chaos and confusion. There are times that I feel that I am already getting what I am doing, but there were also times that I feel the exact opposite. Nonetheless, I know I should not be hard on myself. Feeling this way is normal; this is all but part of my journey towards becoming a master of my craft. I just have to keep moving and learning. Maybe if I do that, I would not anymore feel this way 4 months from now.